Separated but not alone
By Senior Airman Lauren-Taylor Levin, 366th Fighter Wing Public Affairs
/ Published July 23, 2015
MOUNTAIN HOME AIR FORCE BASE, Idaho -- As the dawn broke out over the mountains, I woke up to the sun peeping through my window. Once I got up I went straight to the kitchen to make my family breakfast yet in the back of my mind, all I could think about is how am I going to manage taking care of my children, dogs and work life. Just the thought of knowing I'll have twice the amount of things at home to do while balancing military work made my heart sink a bit.
Growing up as a military child myself, I knew separation could be extremely hard and hit at any time. Looking back, I now know how alone my mother felt whenever my father went on deployments or temporary duty assignments. It seems like an eternity waiting for your loved one to return home so you aren't carrying all the weight on your shoulders.
There are dozens of base agencies to make these separations easier, but I didn't realize it yet.
After just three days of being with my children and trying to balance everything I felt like the world was crashing down on me. It was as if I was a first-time mother trying to figure out if I was doing anything right and becoming completely overwhelmed. My office was starting to notice a change in my attitude and how quickly I would become agitated to otherwise insignificant events.
My co-worker and I decided to hang out once a week to discuss everything that was on our minds. Although it was nice to vent and get some relief, it only went so far with reducing the stress.
Unfortunately, because of the hours my husband worked, I could only see him for an hour-or-two each day on Skype video call ® after I put the children down to sleep for the night.
A week went by and I had to pick up my children one afternoon, and I was stopped by a staff member at the child development center. She asked, "Is there anything going on in your household?" I explained how my husband was currently on TDY for a while and I've been dealing with a lot of stress lately.
Shortly after my explanation she notified me that my son wasn't acting like himself either. I was so consumed with my own problems I didn't even notice how my family was doing.
The caregiver said, "Your son is starting to become anti-social, not eating as much food and becoming a bully at daycare."
I felt as if I was failing as a mother and I had to get help not only for my son but myself as well. The only problem: I had no idea where to start.
The caregiver gave me a pamphlet dealing with separation and inside was a card. I called to make an appointment to talk to the counselor about how I could help my son and I through this time of separation from our loved one.
As I met with the counselor and we discussed my everyday routine, not only did I find out I wasn't failing as a mother, but I felt some kind of comfort.
The counselor explained that regardless of a child's age they can tell when a family member is gone or stressed. Although you may think it won't rub off on them it does.
As we continued our conversation he recommended I try some exercises with my children and see their reactions to it.
One exercise in particular was the 1-2-3 method, also known as the "count" to stop behavior method. If your child happens to have a tantrum or isn't listening this is a great exercise to try.
This exercise leads your child to learn to think and take responsibility for their actions. Doing this gives the message your authority is not negotiable to your child before you act with a consequence. This consequence doesn't necessarily have to be a big thing. It can simply be redirecting your child towards doing something else, like assisting you with putting items away or reading a book with them.
He explained the more I get involved with my children's life the better. I should replace that sense of separation with love and care, helping distract that feeling of loneliness.
Once we finished discussing how I could help my children the conversation had turned to me.
The counselor asked, "How are you handling all this?"
Just as I was going to start talking my face turned bright red because I knew everything I was carrying on my shoulders was finally about to be lifted off of me. I began to discuss my struggles of trying to make sure everything was the same as it was before my husband left. I was so focused on trying to make sure everything was perfect I became overwhelmed and stressed not only myself but my kids too.
He later explained that no matter how much I want things to be the same they aren't and all I can do is make the best of each situation. Not only that but, I should take time to help myself relax by finding a hobby to diminish the stress.
I really took what he said to heart. My son is no longer being anti-social; he's eating more and being a lot nicer. I still have to deal with his "terrible-twos" moments and my one-year-old daughter deciding to join him, but with some redirection, they're back to normal.
Even when you feel there's nowhere to turn for help, there's always someone who cares and can guide you in the right direction. There are other resources on base to support you in times of need, such as the Airman and Family Readiness Center, key spouses, first shirts and mental health.
Whether it's a friend, family member, counselor or even just writing a journal there are always avenues for help.
You're not alone.